Thursday, 14 June 2012

Yes there IS an Atheist in a foxhole and I am she! :p

Fuck cancer and all its associated shit. I was dealt a crap hand; perfectly fit and healthy, under 40 and end up in 2008, with a gynaecological cancer which not only put me into the early menopause. ruined my sex life, makes me feel like an old lady but also has a stigma attached to it (even though I had ENDO-cervical cancer NOT caused by HPV; as soon as people hear 'cervical' they assume HPV=slutty chav >..< )  It also left me with chemo-induced arthritis and cognitive impairment (chemo-brain). When I was diagnosed, I had been studying to do my PhD for feck's sake! Cancer threw that idea out the window too. FAIL >..< ....but I digress.

I figured there are a few things I could do with this crap hand so randomly dealt by no-one in particular; I could:

1)  just do nothing and die (not an option)
2) do alternative treatment without a clue and take my chances (I didn't do that when I was diagnosed, but do it now and have more than just 'a clue' as I do scientific research on such treatments almost daily);
3) do chemo-radiotherapy and take the shit that comes with it; <- that is what I did and stared death in the face as I did it all whilst remaining true to my philosophy of godlessness and Buddhist logic.

Now whilst I often regret not being able to do more research first (or getting that hysterectomy in 2007), treatment worked as well as it could have; it obliterated the tumour (along with most of my ovaries, womb and cervix) but I am not dead. So the oncologists wipe their hands clean and send me on my way, as they say; "have a nice life; you've no evidence of disease now, but should you have a recurrence, sorry about your luck". So after 4 months of treatment hell; off I go in a blind rage and still in a stupor from my initial diagnosis. How the fuck did this happen; NOW WHAT!?

So I go and seek out other Young adults with cancer. I found lots of great friends through, Young adult cancer Canada, Macmillan, and Wellspring.

Several of them have died in the past 3 years and that makes me extremely sad and continues to fuel my rage, hence the creation of the Malignant Militia; a way for me to rant and rave and demand accountability without having to stand at Speakers' Corner looking like a crazy person.

I take the rage and turn it into something somewhat useful and hope to spare any other young adults from the hell in which I found myself by helping to educate them that cancer is rarely preventable and if you get it; it's NOT your fault! If you do have ANY wonky symptoms; *insist* that your GP consider cancer before just brushing you off as being "too young for that!". 

So that is essentially my mission these days; I try to have a good time all the time despite my shit cards. 

However, (and this is where I am finally going with this tale! :o ), what the fuck makes people assume that I am a 'god believer' and propels them to say shit like 'god doesn't give you more than you can handle, and if god closes a window, he opens a door' or other such drivel! REALLY!? WTF? Don't assume I believe in YOUR god! >..< They don't even bother to find out. I don't go around assuming everyone is an Atheist! :/

Just cos I had cancer doesn't mean I had some 'death-bed conversion'. If there even is a god, he's a right git for giving good people cancer :/.

I'm not even going to get into it here about how there have never been wars in the 'name of Atheism; how the Buddha was an Atheist; how the very definition of atheist just means 'non-theist or non-god' and not 'evil devil-worshipping baby-murdering sadist'. :/

For a real insight into what is religious silliness, please see Bill Maher's 'Religulous'. ;).

Contrary to popular belief then, I'm not whinging about my sad stupid life down the pub into the bottom of a whiskey bottle. I actually had the driller on my jobsite today tell me that I was 'extraordinarily cheerful despite only usually getting 4 hours of sleep every night and living with a cancer Dementor around me every day'! and damnit; he was right ;).

It is true that everyone deals with cancer in their own way cos there is no 'right way', and I will make no apologies for doing what I think needs to be done (the Malignant Militia Mission ;)) but my mind belongs to logic and not some sky fairy. :/ 

And on that note, I am reminded of Homer Simpson when he was coerced into joining the Movementarians in 'the Joy of Sect' ;). (back when 'the Simpsons' was funny of course ;)).


  1. "If god closes a window, he opens a door."
    That sounds very American, somehow.
    We have a saying: "Wer nichts weiss, der muss alles glauben."

  2. and many of my fellow 'YA cancer friends' ARE American and we've heard that saying a lot!

    Glauben ist nicht Wissen! ;)